How is this poem I wrote?

With You





When I'm with you


I dont think


When Im trapped in your arms


I feel protected


Nothing can touch me


Not even rain


When I see you


My mind goes blank


And I picture a peaceful place with just you and I


When I'm away from you


I cry


Cuz I cant stand to be without you


When I sit next to you my heart races


If you were sick in the hospital


I'd lay next to you to show you how much I loved you


If I were to lose you


I dont know what I'd do


Would I roll over and die? Would I close my eyes and scream?


Would I kill myself too?


NO...cuz I couldnt bare not ever thinking of you

How is this poem I wrote?
It reads a little bit too literal. You could spice it with a few figurative forms of language - metaphors, symbol isms, allusions to make it more passionate and poetic.





For instance:


When I'm with you


I don't think





can be something like:


Whenever I view the glitter


in your longing eyes,


my thoughts scatter


as I race across plastic hills and valleys


like a mad man chasing his shadow!





Otherwise, the message is quite good.


Just a little feeling of warmth would make it sweeter.
Reply:Very Cute poem


it talks about protection


because if feeling trapped


nothing can come near you


not even the rain.


I can see that you would be lost without


that special someone.


because you would cry if you were away
Reply:wow...impressive


you shown us your feelings and allowed us to feel them too in this poem...however i think you should fix the spelling because with the bad spelling it looks immature and week
Reply:tray to make it ramie