We're Growing Apart?

I don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m 31 and my boyfriend is 24, we’ve been together 12 months and I’ve recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m devastated as even though the baby wasn’t planned after the initial shock it was very much wanted by both of us. I feel like this is my fault because it was my body that rejected the baby.


Daniel (my boyfriend) and me haven’t spoken about the miscarriage and I feel as if he is blaming me as well, he hasn’t cried and he’s acting like it hasn’t happened. I feel that we are growing apart; he won’t touch me not to even give me a cuddle or a kiss. I’m scared that I am going to lose him on top of losing our baby and I feel that my life as I know it is slipping away. His parents have been against us from the start and I feel that they are using the miscarriage to the advantage, he’s even moved back in with them. I’m really at a loss as to what to do. I love Daniel to bits and I don’t want to lose him.

We're Growing Apart?
I think that you and Daniel need each other very much now. I am sorry that you have experienced such a devestating loss. I think it may be painful for Daniel to see your pain and feel so helpless. He may be experiencing a different stage of grief as well. Grieving is work. It is draining and the loss of a child may be the hardest thing that a woman can go through. The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:





Denial (this isn't happening to me!)





Anger (why is this happening to me?)





Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)





Depression (I don't care anymore)





Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)


Many people believe that these stages of grief are also experienced by others when they have lost a loved one.


lesser known definition of the stages of grief is described by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, "Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief." Temes describes three particular types of behavior exhibited by those suffering from grief and loss. They are:





Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation)





Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss)





Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life.)


You and your Daniel are going to grieve differently for the same child but you need each other at this time.





Unless you have been a woman who has carried a child and have experienced the loss of the child you cannot I D with the unfairness of it all. Life can be terribly unfair sometimes without any reason.. I think that is where the guilt is coming from in your case. The thing is when we feel guilty about something so painful we often pull away from the people that can be of comfort. You need to honestly tell him that you are hurting so deeply but need him there for you. I am praying for you and Daniel. I am also praying for his parents whose hearts are so hard that they are using your pain to make you feel worst. You two may come out stronger than we you were ever before.
Reply:your only hope is to talk to him and get him to understand how much you love him...it is not your fault that you lost the baby...don't even go there....good luck
Reply:im really sorry but don't blame yourself for your miscarrage. just give daniel time but don't stop trying to get through to him and talk to him
Reply:I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. It was nobody's fault; please don't blame yourself. Everyone copes differently with loss; in his case, maybe moving back with his parents is his way of trying to make a situation right that had started to feel wrong after the miscarriage. He may not want to cry in front of anyone so don't take his lack of tears as a sign of anything - he may feel like you are scrutinizing him for signs of feelings and he's trying to hold those feelings in. You say his parents have been against you - perhaps because you two were living together and they felt the pregnancy might not have been accidental when it did happen. Take the time to grieve. He may be afraid that now you need to get pregnant because the maternal feelings were so strong and it would still be outside of marriage - a mistake to try that deliberately.


It happened to you but it happened to him too, while his parents were watching, worrying and disapproving while hoping at the same time. The age difference probably doesn't bother them as much as knowing how much more emotionally mature you are than their son. They may have worried that he could not be as responsible in the relationship as someone your own age - and teh fact that you two had not married probably demonstrated that.


Unfortunately, it's up to Daniel, not his parents, and not you, to move forward towards commitment. You don't seem to have a problem with it, he does.
Reply:Ask him what's wrong and if he refuses, just say please tell me and tell him about how worried you've been about your relationship.
Reply:the only way you are going to resolve this is to talk it over away from his family.Take him to the DR if you have to so the dr can explain that miscarriages happen for no apparent reason and it may help him understand.Tell him how you feel and that you love him dearly.Maybe go away just the two of you and have some fun to take your mind off the situation after you get him back with you.Goodluck and i wish you all the bestxxxxxxxxxx
Reply:Sweets, what you are feeling Daniel has picked up on, and may be trying to give you the space to deal or he has exactly the same emotion. Don't blame yourself for this. U need to talk to him, cause right now ur guessing about how he feels and it ain't a good thing to be way off. U need to hear his words and understand before forming an opinion about his behaviour, cause u may just be wrong, and he's just waiting for you.
Reply:honey all u need do is to call him n ask him wat d prob i he might b alittle confusednw, bt 2 b sincere if he really luvs u dis is d moment wen he shd b by ur side and help u over come tinking. if he does give a gud reason 4 his sudden change baby gril jst et him go, he might nt b d rite guy 4 u.
Reply:I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage ... it's not easy. He may just be overwhelmed and need time to think things through. If you can do some extra special things for yourself and be gentle with yourself as this is an emotional time right now. Keep it simple and try to take it One Day at a Time. If he can't handle something like this then perhaps he's just too immature and you deserve much better!
Reply:what you are presently experience is known as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) it is normal for you to feel guilty about the loss of your child and want to blame yourself. what you need to do now is to remind yourself that you did all you could possibly to sustain the child. whatever happened after that was out of your hands. you did not say how old was the pregnancy. research shows that many regnancy ends up in spontaneous abortion, meaning it happens naturally. sometimes these things happen for a valid reason, only we cannot see it wlie we are greiving. you boyfriend might be feeling guilty too, maybe he does not know what to say to comfort youand so he says nothing at all. it is very difficult for two persons who are grieving to comfort each other since they are both at an emotional turmoil. also males generally express their greifs differently than female, therefore because he doesnt speak about it does not means he is not greiving.


maybe he doesnt touch you or have sexwith you as he might be in denial and thinks the baby is still alive and does not want to hurt you and the baby. my suggestion is that you try talking about general topics such as work politics weather, etc until you are both comfortable to talk about your loss. many couples who have miscarriage get pregnant shortly after, while it may not replace the baby it will fill the gap. that option may also be explored. you may want to visit your gynoclogist to see what might have gone wrong. also this could be a test for your relationship .