Miscarriage Problem?

I don’t know how to put into words how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m 31 and my boyfriend is 24, we’ve been together 12 months and I’ve recently suffered a miscarriage. I’m devastated as even though the baby wasn’t planned after the initial shock it was very much wanted by both of us. I feel like this is my fault because it was my body that rejected the baby.


Daniel (my boyfriend) and me haven’t spoken about the miscarriage and I feel as if he is blaming me as well, he hasn’t cried and he’s acting like it hasn’t happened. I feel that we are growing apart; he won’t touch me not to even give me a cuddle or a kiss. I’m scared that I am going to lose him on top of losing our baby and I feel that my life as I know it is slipping away. His parents have been against us from the start and I feel that they are using the miscarriage to the advantage, he’s even moved back in with them. I’m really at a loss as to what to do. I love Daniel to bits and I don’t want to lose him.

Miscarriage Problem?
You are both grieving and are finding it hard to talk to each other. Has he come out and blamed you? he might feel that he has no right to grieve because when a woman has a miscarriage then everybody feels sorry for her but not a lot of people feel sorry for the guy or ask him how he is feeling.





It is bad if his parents are taking advantage of this low point - talk to him just the two of you and say how you feel and listen to how he feels.





Its no ones fault that you had a miscarriage - its just natures way of saving a lot of heartache in the long run.
Reply:I am so sorry to hear about this but u really have to talk to him.


He is obviously hurting too abd the reason he probably isnt touching u is because he probably feels that u dont want him too and he doesnt want to upset you.


He has probably moved out to get his head around things, men keep quiet and generally dont express their feelings but u really have to talk to him.


Forget about his family coz thay aint important to u. and if u start getting angry with them then he will see that as being nasty and may stay there.


Be the grown up one and ignore them, concerntrate on him and u and talk, cry and clear the air together.


He is probably feeling the same as u.


Good luck.
Reply:fist of all I am sorry for your loss, but men don't always know what to say or feel after a miscarriage, You should go to a support group and maybe they can help you through this, he is young and if he is still influenced by his parents then maybe you two need a break, it is not your fault you had a miscarriage, something went wrong with the pregnancy and that is how nature takes care of it. you should never blame yourself for your body.
Reply:i'm so sorry to hear your loss


don't worry your feelings are natural I suffered 3 miscarriages before i had my son, I blamed myself but in time you realise it's not your fault, it is very common for you to miscarry your first pregnancy. Me and my partner grew apart but times a great healer, I couldn't bring myself to talk about it to my partner as he just didn't know what the right thing to say was. it's harder for you as it's your body and mind that has gone through this terrible ordeal. try explaing to him how you feel, just ask him to listen if he says he doesnt want to talk about it.


my thoughts are with you hun


hope you can both pull through it


xxxxx
Reply:I am so sorry for you loss. I have had two miscarriages and know how devastating losing a child can be. You guys HAVE to talk though. Communicating and being intimate with my husband was the only way that we both survived our miscarriages. You can contact the miscarriage association if you need someone to talk to, maybe encourage your partner to do the same.
Reply:firstly I'm very sorry for your loss huni , but you need to know that this has not been your fault! none of it!


secondly i think that your boyfriend may be having difficulty dealing with the issue and this is his way of dealing with the situation - you both probably need to sit down together and tell each other exactly how you feel , tell him u feel like he is blaming you - because more than likely he is not!


i also think it would be a good idea for you to speak to your doctor to maybe get referred to a councilor or maybe even contact a miscarriage support group in your area, if you don't want to do any of these them i strongly suggest speaking to a close friend or relative to help you through this difficult time.


good luck huni and take care
Reply:if he left you-went back to his parents-maybe he just needs time to grieve or heal. Think about it-12 months out of your life may have been a learning experience. He may not be the "one".
Reply:I think you need to deal with your recent miscarriage first as it is obvioulsy tearing you apart. Have you spoken to your doctor as to what the possible causes were of the miscarriage. I feel that once you know you can stop blaming yourself and move on with your life.





Perhaps Daniel is greiving also and needs time to come to terms with it. I am sure he deep down he does not blame you, however he may be doing so unintentionally. You must leave him to come to terms with it. On the other hand (and this might cause you some pain when I say that) he may have been looking for an excuse to leave you only time will tell.





Some men I'm afraid do not have the ability to give cuddles and kisses when they are needed the most. You need support and love just now and that is not what you are getting.





So please take my advice and look after yourself and your health otherwise you may become ill emotionally. And remember time is a great healer.





All the very best and I'm sure that things will work out for the best and if Daniel ever comes back on the scene tell his parents to bog off.
Reply:You shouldn't blame yourself. It is common, unfortunately, for couples to grow apart and even separate after the loss of a child. You are both very different people, so you will each respond in a very different way. Another thing, miscarriages are a result of many factors... and unless you were trying to lose the child intentionally (which I know you didn't) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There are many factors that could have contributed to a higher risk of you getting a miscarriage. You lost a child and that is a big deal. AND you should both talk about how you feel and what you think about for the future. Maybe Daniel is shook up and isolating himself from the relationship because he is afraid to lose another child if he stays with you. You need to discuss this and talk to a physician of care specialist about common factors that can increase your risks of future miscarriages as well as some that may not be wel know. Assure him that you are there for him but that you are so in love with him and forsee a great future fo the both of you despite the unfortunate loss. No one likes to bring up these serious and hurtful subjects, but you have to be sure you covered everything before you both decide wether or not your relationship can survive this and any future events, for the good or the bad. You don't have to bring anyparents or outsiders into it... because ultimately love conquers all and you and him are the ones that will be sharing your lives together. His parents should be lucky to have someone that is very much in love with their son. Best wishes!!!
Reply:I'm really sorry for your loss. Daniel obviously needs some space and he's probably finding it hard to talk about the miscarriage. You both obviously need to talk about things. I hope you can both work things out and be very happy. xx
Reply:Please talk to your boyfriend. A good relationship needs good communication. Tell Daniel how you feel and how upset you are. I have had a miscarriage before and my then boyfriend reacted the same way.





Men do not always know how to show emotion and think that showing it makes them look weak. I suspect he is giving you a wide berth because he is scared of upsetting you. He does not know how to start the conversation because he does not know what to talk about at the moment. Its a bit awkward for both of you.





But someone has to make the first move. I sorted it out with my then boyfriend and he is now my husband and we have been together 8 yrs this year!! Have since then had 2 children. You can sort this out. Couples can survive miscarriage. It all depends on how you deal with it and not talking to each other about it does not help.





Maybe try and write a note explaining how you feel and that you still love him if you find it hard to start the conversation off. And don't worry about his parents. My husbands parents did not like me either. They are ok now. Please just stick with it if you love him. Relationships require hard work.





Hope it works out for you babe.
Reply:Sorry about your situation I've been there a good few times all i can tell you is that everyone grieves in different ways your boy friends reaction to you might be his way of handling the loss he might fell if he shows you some emotion that he will not be in control of himself anymore,


Speaking from personal experience my last m/c i just got up and got on with my life as I'd been through it so many times that i never even cry,right now your emotions and hormones are running wild but they will settle down and so will your b/f just take thing a little at a time and don't pressure your self .Ask your doctor if you could get counselling with the midwives i know that it helped me they will explain things better to you than a doctor will.Look to the future and not the past you will start to feel good about yourself and you'll remember the baby you lost but your life must go on.


Good luck.There are a good few web sites for people who have lost babies i use the one on ivillage.com the other mums are really supportive of each other and they all know what you are feeling .
Reply:You need to get him to talk about his feelings about the miscarriage asap. And you also need to get him some information on what causes miscarriages as usually it is nothing you have or have not done. Therefore neither of you should be blaming yourself!


I had a miscarriage on 30 Jan. My BF didn't talk about it for a while either. It wasn't until we had to rehome our dog that it really hit him and he finally cried.


How long ago was the miscarriage. Maybe it hasn't all sunk in just yet.


You need to get him to talk to you now. Don't let him just walk away.
Reply:hi there it sounds like your in a real situation. All i can say is that me and my partner have suffered 2 miscarrages. The first time round (miscarried at 10 weeks), he didnt understand how much hurt i was feeling. because there was nothing for him to call "baby!" if that makes any sense. But we then had a second miscarrage at 22 weeks. Our baby was looking like a proper baby and we had seen her on scans and heard the heartbeat so it was more real. He was devestated this time round when we lost baby. Maybe it wasnt very real to him. But feels very real to you.


I dont like to say this as i dont know you both. But maybe there are other issues as well as this, or maybe he isnt mature enough to cope with baby or miscarrage. I could be wrong though. Probably just doesnt understand why your so upset. Talk to him asap and get it sorted. it could be easy to sort. Good luck.
Reply:This best thing for both of you is to sit down together with no distractions and talk, tell each other how you both feel regarding your loss, and everything else, be brutally honest, and try not to interupt each other. Maybe his parents are 'trying to put a spanner in the works' but its down to him if he lets them. He may feel he cant open up as he feels he has to be strong for you. But the only person who can tell you this is him. So talk to him as only he can give you the answers you need. If he wont talk, maybe this is his way of trying to distance his self from you, if this is the case, let him go and hold you head up high, hes just not your Mr Right. Dont blame yourself for your miscarrige, its not your fault, grieve for your loss, maybe get councelling, to accept why. Remember things happen for a reason, and mostly with things that are out of our control. Good luck!!
Reply:I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages (with 2 children in between) and no matter what anyone says about rationalising it as being natures way of dealing with problems, it has always felt like a bereavement to me. I was therefore advised to mourn like you would any other death and not to pretend it didn't matter. Remember your baby as it will always be with you.


Regards your boyfriend, my husband couldn't understand my upset as he couldn't feel like it was a baby until it was born. However I eventually got him to understand my feelings by text messages each time i felt sad, telling him you wish he was there to hold you. Perhaps you could write him a letter. In the end he bought me a present to remember the baby by.


My in-laws never liked me until we were married - just ignore them, they do not matter.

ginkgo